what if every blade of grass was a penis?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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