Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
