I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
