Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
