I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
