All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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