I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize