cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
