I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
