and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize