I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
