community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
