You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
