Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
