Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I came so hard my ears popped.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize