i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
