am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
