Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
