question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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