The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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