Moan for me like Helen Keller
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
