so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
