Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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