Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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