It's like a parade of train wrecks.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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