So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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