Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
