My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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