Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i think i have herpe
just one?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
