She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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