So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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