I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just pee around me
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
