Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
