then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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