Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
