Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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