I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
