Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
