Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I looked at my own cervix.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
