I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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