Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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