My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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