i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
