You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
zippers are such a cool invention
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
