Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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