hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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