just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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