I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
