If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
