Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I checked into jail on foursquare
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
