You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
