the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize