My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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