its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
