I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
