I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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