Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
