I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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