When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize