Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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