I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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