we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
