Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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