Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize