pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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