I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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