just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
