so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
we should paint friendship bongs
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